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I am ready to eat I told Wilma. So I got in line and started filling my food plate. Wilma got in line behind me and started doing the same. I do like to eat but, I like to eat fast. Sometimes eating a big plate of food in under a minute. When I ate I just hoped I did not choke and if I did and no one was around and I died so be it.

My plate was full and now it was time to find a seat. I thought I eat so fast why waste my time finding a table. I will just stand up and eat my dinner. Wilma saw me eat and was amazed at how fast I could eat. I say why waste time eating when there are more importing things to accomplish. Thats an interesting way to look at it Wilma said. I was proud of myself that I had a special talent. I could eat food really fast.

It made me flash to a daydream. I was the speed eating champion of the world. I had trained for months and months for this great moment. I spent those month eating any food as fast as I could. I ate pasta, ice cream, whatever I wanted. The speed eating championships were different than other speed eating competitions. I as a contestant had to go through sever rounds and instead of eating on type of food in each round I had to eat complete meals. The object was that the contestant who at the most complete meals in the shortest amount of time was the winner. I was also very competitive so I did not want to loose.

Yes I told Wilma about my dream of being in the speed eating championships. She thought I should go for it and get away from my lectures on how to be miserable. I thought that maybe she was right and that I should stop trying to be miserable and just end up being happy instead of trying for a better life and being miserable. After all it was easy to be happy and hard to be miserable so I used to think that being miserable was something that I should shoot for but, now I thought that I might just give in and be happy.

After dinner I decided to leave the party early and go grocery shopping as I had nothing to eat. So I said my goodbye's to Wilma and her friends and went to my apartment. I always liked to get dressed up for grocery shopping. I always say if you can't look your best you should not go outside. So I put on my best clothes and headed out to the grocery store.

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Wilma waved me onto the stage. She looked so silly dressed as Mrs. Potato head. I demurred because I am embarrassed about my signing voice. I gave in and stepped up to the microphone. I was dressed as a witch and not as myself and besides my singing voice would make everyone miserable which was a plus as far as I am concerned.

Wilma said did I know the lyrics to My house is on the road. I said I did and off we went singing one of the best songs of the 20th century. My singing voice is more of a high pitched scream than a voice that sounds like a singers. After we were done the crowd being so nice applauded are duet. Not one of the greatest duets in the history of song but, I would say one of the best duets in the history of karaoke if I do say so my self and I am saying so. I was having so much fun annoying the guests that I asked Wilma if she wanted to sing another song and she said why not. We sang a good rendition of That car Is Worth a Lot of Money. Another one of the greatest songs of the 20th century. We were singing all the hits here today.

After singing the 2 songs I started to get hungry as it was getting towards lunch time. I usually skipped lunch and ate a big dinner but, to day with all the excitement of the party I decided to eat lunch. After a lunch of a ham sandwich and some candy corn I was pumped up for the rest of the day. I talked to some people and listened to some of the karaoke and had a ball. Ok, so it was not the most exciting party of my life but, what else was I going to do on this day other than watch horror movies.

I have found a new way to make myself feel miserable. Going to parties is the most miserable thing in the world for me. I have found a new secret that I can reveal in my miserability lectures. Although its nice to be around people as sitting alone watching movies all day makes me miserable also but, I like parties better because at least I can be miserable and have company and not be alone and miserable. Because being alone and miserable is truly miserable and even I don't like being that miserable.

Now it was approaching dinner time and the catering was bring out steak, roast beef, chocolate cake, chocolate chip cookies, chocolate cookies, pumpkin cake, pumpkin cookies and pumpkin pie since this was a Halloween party. This was going to be a feast.

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Suddenly I was ready to party. Wilma came out to meet me dress as Mrs potato head. "What a great costume for a Halloween party" I said pointing to the Mrs potato head costume. "I am glad you like it" Wilma said. "Lets head into the party she said.

She introduced me to some of her rich friends. Joe Freak was dressed as a Lawyer but, by day he was a car salesman who owned 20 dealerships up and down the coast. Joe was such a nice man. He even tried to get me a deal on a new car. He said if I bought now he would throw in a stereo upgrade. "I said I was not interested in buying a new car at a party or in fact buying a new car at all but, if I were I surely by from one of he care dealerships.

Next she introduced me to Nancy Toms who was dressed as a door to door sales women complete with brief case filled with expensive candies she was trying to see. By day Nancy was a life guard at the local beach. She had inherited her wealth from her fathers family who were oil tycoons. We started talking and she said she had just left her husband of 5 days because the could no longer get along and she wanted a divorce for irreconcilable differences and she was looking for a place to live. Even thought she was rich she was cheap so I offered to let her live in my apartment as I wanted a roommate. I was lonely and thought the company would be annoying and make me miserable. She accepted.

Wilma came over and hit me in the shoulder. Why did you hit me I said. Want to sing some karaoke. I don't want to sing Wilma. Fine then I will sing. It turn out that will was big into karaoke.

The song she sang was - Don't hate me because I adore you. Unfortunately she thought the lyrics were - Don't date me because I adore you. Wilma sang don't date me because I adore to the tune of monster mash and everyone one laughed at her because she got the lyric wrong. I could not help myself and ended up laughing covering my mouth. I did not want to rude to my new friend.

The final song she sang was called. If I am a computer you are a computer. The lyric made no sense but, I liked the song because it was set to disco. She bowed when she was done because of all the applause. I could not believe how bold she was taking a chance of making a fool of herself in front of all her friends.

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The thought that I was getting older and older and did not have any kids because making me more and more anxious. Tank had never wanted kids but, I wanted them. We constantly argued about it but, he refused to budge on the matter and after a while I just liked to argue about it as it made me miserable thought i had resigned myself to not having any kids.

Now that I was free of Tank I could possibly realise my dream of having kids of my own. I just did not know if I wanted to adopt or have the children myself or I could adopt of have a kid of my own. I had to decide quickly as I was not getting any younger as was reaching the age where it would be getting harder to get pregnant and I did not want to be really old with young kids as I thought that if I were older I would not have the energy to keep up with them. I also did not want to be to old because I wanted to live to see them graduate high school and college and see the birth of my grandchildren.

I put those thoughts of for the moment to talk to my new friend Wilma on the phone. She wanted to know if I want to come to a party she was throwing this afternoon. I though wow, a party is just the thing I need to get my mind of Tank and weather I wanted to have kids or adopt. She said that it was a costume ball. A costume ball in the middle of June really Wilma she assured me that yes indeed yes it was a costume party.

I decided to go a witch but, I did not have time to go to a costume shop to get a proper costume so I borrow some of Wilma's clothes. I borrowed a hat and a black evening dress and an old broom she used to use for her kitchen. I look pretty good don't I Wilma. You look great darling. "You are now ready for the party" she said. I was glad for her reassurance. I was feeling shaky as my life had been turned upside down in a mere 2 days. I was glad to have found a new friend in my land lord Wilma.

The party was in the big house. That was what ever one called her mansion The big house. The room where the party was was decorated with black and orange. The curtains were black and when to the floor. The carped had been overlay ed with a orange rug. Monster mash was blaring over the sound system. I was a little bit hesitant as I did not know anyone who would be at the party but, I pushed ahead and went into the room.

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So a watching movies I went. I fell asleep half way thought the movie and had a dream that Tank was knocking on my door and screaming my name and saying that if I did not come home with him he would drag me back home. Drag me into the car and force me to go back home. I was a terrifying dream.

When I woke up I was glad the it was only a dream. And I was also glad that I had left Tank sure he made me miserable but, there were other special men that would make me miserable.

As I was watching the movie I realised that I needed a lecture or a speaking engagement to be able to make some money. So I vowed to start making calls in the morning to some people I knew to see if the knew anyone who needed a speaker who was an expert on how to be miserable. I was unsure with the week or two off that I would be able to get into my speaking routine or that I wanted to be a speaker on how to be miserable.

Sure I was miserable almost all of the time but, after leaving Tank I took stalk of what mattered and did not matter in my life and I did not want to spend the rest of my life on the road. I wanted to find a man and raise a family or if I did not find a man I wanted to adopt children and have a family. I was getting older and another nature was telling me it was now or never. And I was beginning to think that it would be never the luck that I had in my life and the fact that a lot of men like to find a women who likes to be happy and not a women who wants to be miserable all of the time.

If I did not have a family sure I would live but, I would be disappointed and lose a big dream in my life ever since I was a little girl. From the time that I liked to be happy I had kept the dream of wanted to raise a family as one thing in life I like were children. Children were on of the things that I have a wanted in my life as they made me happy and that was ok.

Thinking about all this I started to cry. What if I had waited to long an could not have children. What if the children I had did not like me or they turned out to be bad people. It thought to myself now you are great girl because I was miserable and as you know by now I like to be miserable and I like to make myself miserable. It ok to be miserable. I should make a t-shirt out of that.

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While watching a movie the phone rang. It was Tank and he started screaming and crying to me about how could I do this to him. What had he don't to deserve to do this. "You tried to run over me Tank" I said. At leas come and get your things. I said I you can keep all my things I don't want them anymore because the remind them of you. And I don't want to remember anything about you and then I said goodbye and told him don't bother calling me again as I would hang up the phone as soon as I heard it was him. Before I hung up I said I was filing for divorce and wanted to get on with my life without him. I hung up and have never heard from tank since.

After the up setting phone call I decided that I would watch movies for the rest of the day until I went to sleep. I was glad to be rid of Tank so with the feeling of upsetness I also felt a happiness that I was not quite happy with. I could stay up all night watching movies I was so excited. The next day Wilma stopped by and asked me how everything was going and was there anything wrong. I said that I was a little upset of a call I received from my soon to be ex husband. Wilma assured me that I did not have to worry as there was round the clock security and it tank tried to come into the house that he would be spotted long before he got near me. I was glad to hear that as I was not sure that Tank would listen to me and leave me a long. He might try to come to where I live and try to convince me to come back to him which I would never do. I will never go back to that horrible man I told Wilma.

Wilma said goodbye and I was alone again but, reassured because of what Wilma had told me. I decided to watch a horror movie about a wife who moves to a new home to get away from her terrible husband. The husband calls her new home begging her to come back to him and when she refuses to come home and tells him off and says that she never wants anything to do with him again.

In a fit of rage that night even with all the security at her new residence he starts banging on her door and yelling that he was going to take her home or else. I sensed something familiar in that story but, could not put my finger on what it was. I was excited to watch the movie. Horror movies were my favorite. And watch the movie I did with excitement.

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The first thing I did when I got to my apartment was use my cell phone to cal Tank and tell him that I no longer wanted him in my life. "We are done." I said to the answering machine and Tank was not home. "Its over we are finished. Goodbye tank. I am hanging up now." Now with that easy job done. I now turned to my new apartment. Wilma had ordered a bunch of stuff and had it delivered and placed in the place before I arrived. There was a huge 70 inch television.

So I decided to watch moves and relax on my first day in my new home. The was a whole pile of DVDs but, fist I wanted chips and pop corn. SO I went to the kitchen and got 2 bags of chips and microwaved 2 bags of popcorn. After me treats were ready I went back into the living room and sat on the couch and with the remote control in had I was read for some serious movie watching.

I had loaded the dvd player with like 15 dvds so I would not have to move a muscle anytime soon which was fine with me after my ordeal of the last day or to. The only thing I liked a television for was watching movies as I do not like the shows on television. I remember growing up I would watch movies for hours and hours at a time and it would be the most fun ever. Now that I am an adult I still watch movies but, it know makes me miserable to watch them as I an obsessed with getting things done and watching movies to me seems a waste of my time when I could be accomplishing things.

In fact movies and a cellphone are as technological as I get. I no linger use the internet because that one thing that makes me miserable that I deny myself. It takes up to much of my time and I would rather be less miserable wasting time watching movies all day.

Unfortunately after 5 minutes of watching the first movie I fell asleep because I did not sleep well the night before out in the middle of nowhere and was tired. So things got worse for me as I had really wasted a lot of time sleeping when I would have rather wasted my time watching movies but, I was rid of hank so things were not all bad much to my disappointment. I woke up in the middle of the fifth movie and was totally confused as I had not seen the first part of that movie. I thought it was better that way. Sometimes being totally confuses makes me feel totally miserable and that is the way I like it and the don't call me the queen of miserable because I like being happy.

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Ted had a very interesting past. He was a janitor at a computer company and taking night classes in computer programing so that he could start his own computer software company. After starting the company he decided that he would take 3 months off each year and travel around the Midwest on a moped.

"All that time in an office sitting behind a computer made me realise that yes, programming was ok, but I wanted to get outside more and that is when I came up with the idea of taking 3 months of each year and traveling" Ted said. Ted obviously was not the type of person I would want to hang around he was bubbling over with happiness. Nothing I said could make him miserable or make him stoop smiling so I could not wait for the town to appear and say goodbye to Ted. And luckily soon enough the town appeared and I said goodbye to Ted.

Now I had to decide who to call. I thought I should call my insurance company so I could get a tow truck to fix my flat tire and be on the road back to my house. So that is what I decided to do. I thought better of the idea to call tank as that would not do me any good.

The tow truck arrived and I got into so that I could get a ride to my car. I struck a conversation with the Tow Truck diver and we became almost instant friends. It turns out Wilma lived in a mansion and needed a roommate because she was lonely. So I said that I needed a room to rent as I was leaving my husband and I did not know where I was going to go but, know I know where I want to go.

Wilma gave me directions to her house and after she had fixed my flat I drove there to move in right away. I did not want to spend one more night in a house with a man who tried to run me over with my car/ his car. I decided to let Tank have all my things as I had enough money to buy anything that I want but, I did not want much. Let Tank deal with all the stuff that I did not want anymore. Let it be his problem. I hoped it would make him more miserable than he already was. I just want away from that man.

When I got to Wilma's house I say a big pool and my apartment was a building out back and it was the size of a small house and much bigger than I thought. I was it was sad to admit almost feeling happy at my lucky meeting with Wilma. I stepped out of my can and into a new life away from Tank.

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Then I stated to think about Tank and cry. What will I do without him. He is the center of my life my rock that I can go home to and feel loved if miserable. What will I do without him and what will he do without me.

It almost made me feel sorry for Tank that I was going to have to leave him. I said almost. Forget tank I was going to get free of him and find another man who was going to make me miserable and not try to kill me. That trying to kill me bit that was going to far in my book. He was going to have to find another woman to make him miserable and he was not going to have me to push around anymore.

My rage was coming to the surface now. But, then it subsided and I was calm again thinking about how I was going to shoot the film out here in the middle of nowhere. Or I could just pay someone to shoot the movie for me and take the acting and directorial credit myself. I might be a fraud but, its a lot less work to pay someone else to shoot a film than it is to shoot it ones self. Who would I hire. It had to be someone with no film experience as if the movie were good people would know it was a fraud right away and I would be called out and never be able to make my millions like I wanted to and be able to leave Tank. Maybe I could have Tank shoot the film and give him some of the profits and then I would not feel so bad about walking out on him for another man. Ok. I still might feel bad but, less bad.

No I think I will find one of my friends to shoo the film and give them some of the profits instead of that miserable person Tank Swans.

Now since I was not going to shoot the film out in the middle of nowhere what was I going to do while I was waiting for myself to get rescued. I felt like a princess waiting for her knight in shinning armor to rescue me. I did not know my night in shining armor would be driving a moped. The 20th century version of a night in shinning armour was a man driving a moped I guess. Or maybe its not. What do I know. His name was Ted and he drove by on his moped and saw me stranded and asked me if there was anything he could do to help me. I asked for a ride into town so I could call my car insurance company or a tow truck. He agreed and I hoped on the back of his moped and we were of to the nearest town so I could call for help.

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So I had to shoot the movie to realise my dream and was I going to make a movie. The best movie that I could make with no money and no experience in the film business.

I got out my solar panel and hooked the battery charger up to it. As it takes several hours to charge the battery I would have several hours to decide how to shoo the shots of the move. Of course I could hook the camera directly to the solar panel but, that would not allow me to move around. So I would hook the camera directly to the solar panel for the close ups and use the battery for the shots where I move the camera around.

The hours flew by and before I knew it it was time for me to get into my lady bug costume and set up my camera and tripod and shoot the movie in under 2 hours. Yes people would not believe it when I told them that I shot the movie in under 2 hours. I would be hailed as a directing genius. I could not believe all the good ideas that I had thought of.

Again my mind wandered to what life will be like after I make my feature film directing debut. I will take Hollywood by storm and get invited to all the big parties dispensing my wisdom for free. It was worth thousands and I was giving away all that I knew for free. I was so great. Would I take my green limo or my plain old limo. So man decisions to make before the invitations came to my mailbox.

What to wear to all the big parties maybe my pink floral print evening dress. Or a green pant suit with gold necklace and heels. I don't like heels because they heart my feet but, as I said I like to be miserable so I wear than and they give me plenty of misery. Why was I wasting my time thinking about parties after the movie had been out for awhile. No, I need to worry about what I would wear for the movie premiere party. Fist things first. I need to not get ahead of myself. I think a black evening dress with my 6 inch heels and some nice pearls. Yes that is the ticket. I will look great. I am not only a great movie director but, I am also have a great fashion sense.

I am nothing if I am not multi talented. Yes in addition to my new movie career I will have my own line of clothes that everyone will love. I will then be a famous movie director and a famous fashion designer which will get me invited to more parties. Just to let everyone know I don't like parties. To much talking. So going to all the ritzy parties will make me even more miserable so I will be rich and even more miserable than I am now. How great.

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As soon as I saw the morning light I was up and at em. I could not wait to start shooting Ladybug gone green beetle. And what a movie it will be. Then a strange feeling hit me. I think its called uncertainty. I realized that I had an outline of the movie and I had forgotten to write myself some lines. But now one would watch this movie for the script it would be watched for the visual effects.

I decided to spend sometime thinking about what my life would look like after I became a big celebrity director after the release of the movie. I would divorce Tank. I now believe that there is more than one person in the world that will make me miserable so why not leave the man who tried to flatten me on the pavement for someone else. Then maybe I will purchase a house on the hill. Wait after I become rich and famous I am sure I will have no problem marring any man I want. I am sure that that special someone who will make me Yvette Swans the most miserable woman in the world is out there somewhere in the wold on earth or in some alien would yet to be discovered. Marrying a man from another planet now that is interesting.

My parents thought that Tank was from another planet but, I assured then that yes indeed he is from earth no matter what you intuition is telling you. My parents detested Tank they always thought that the was someone out there who would make me happy. I said "mom I don't want a man to make me happy. I want an man who makes me miserable and puts me down so that I won't feel bad when I make him miserable and put him down. Whatever you want to do my darling its your life and you can do want to even if I think its the worst mistake of you life marrying that man. He is ghastly. Vile. And he is the only person who does not like my my fruit cake. I said "Mother no one likes your fruit cake but, Tank is the only one mean enough to tell you the truth and not spare your feelings.

I would get a huge lime and have a driver take me everywhere I want to go. I would spend half my days riding around in my big green limo. And the fact that the limo was green will make everyone miserable because it will be so ugly. Yes I am so great always thinking of ways to make my fellow man/women more miserable. I love that about myself. I had to stop all this thinking about the future and focus on the present and getting the movie made otherwise I would not have billions to waste on frivolous purchases.

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So I decide then and there that if I made it through the night I was going to shoot Ladybug gone green beetle right here in the middle of nowhere. Fist I need to make it thought the mild summer night. Obviously I did not have to worry about freezing to death. And if I stayed in the car at night I did not have to worry about wild animals getting me so what did I have to panic about. Tank that is who I had to worry about what if he found me out here and thought that he could do away with me and have no one be the wiser. No one knowing that I am gone and no one caring. After all I had brought a lot of misery to peoples lives and some people don't ask me why enjoyed being happy and would like nothing more then to see the queen of miserable gone for good.

With that threat in mind I decided to see if the car would make it to a tree I saw about 100 feet in the distance and mercifully my old car made it. It was only after I stopped the car that I thought hmm, I might not have to be stranded here in the middle of nowhere if I use the spare tire to change the flat one. I looked in the trunk and the spare tire and tools where nowhere to be found. Had I been set up by Tank. It was beginning to look that way.

It was nearing bed time and I could hear the coyotes in the distance. hoowww howw. That was not what I was worried about. I was worried about one Mr. Tank Swans. I walked around my care one last time and decided to turn in for the night. I used some of the fabric I have bought for my movies for a blanket. And I felt sleepy and stated thinking that going to sleep might not be the best thing right now. As I had tank to worry about. Bud, I could not help it and fell fast asleep. The next thing I remember is hearing a truck drive up and the engine stopping as the driver turned the truck off. Could it be tank trying to finish the job he did not at the parking garage. I went into panic mode. What to do, what to do. I decided to lay as still as I could and as it was still dark maybe the driver was just taking a rest stop and had not seen my car. And as it happens that was what happened. Several minutes after the driver stopped I heard the truck start up again and it was gone.

I was alive and thankful. As it was starting to get light I had a hard time getting to sleep as I started thinking about all the fun I was going to have during the day shooting the movie and the panic hit me. What if I was not found and I starved to death or died because of not having enough water. As I had little food or water. But, I was sure someone would find me so I put of that worry and concentrated on how I would shoot the movie.

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After eating all that ice cream I decided to cut my trip to the mall short and head for home. So I ran out to my car started it up and flew through the parking garage waved to the attendant and turned left out of the entrance and headed for home.

I had several pressing issues to think over on the way home. One was how was I going to get my movie shot on Monday with little to no money to shoot it with. I thought why not just use a tripod and some imagination on my part and the imagination on the part of the viewer. Yes, I now had my solution.

The other thing I wanted to consider was should I divorce Tank after what had happened at the shopping mall where he had tried to run me over. He was still the only man that could make me truly miserable so he had that going for him but, he had tried to end my life to cut it short if you will. I kept weighing the his pro's and con's. Sometimes he did make me happy so I put that in the con category. A pro what that I thought he only stayed around me for my money. That made me adore him all the more. He was a superficial man there was no doubt about that and I knew if and when I lost either my money or my looks I would lose tank also.

Just while I was in the throws of these miserable thoughts I suddenly heard a pop and a thump thump, thump. My tire had blown out. I knew I should have gotten new tires as my were worn out and bald but, I did not want to absorb the expense so I took risks. And now I was paying for being so cheap as I was stranded in the middle of now where with a flat right front time and it was starting to get dark and I was starting to get scared.

Now what was I going to do I was in the country and my cell would not get a signal and there were few cars out on this highway at this time of day so I would probably end up spending the night in the middle of nowhere with no television and no internet. I am not a nature person by any means. Walking out on my front lawn is the closest I have ever been to nature and of course driving in the country. But, I never get out of the car in the country I could be attacked by a wild animal. Oh no, I thought I will never make it and Tank will find me dead and be happy well I did not want to make tank happy so I knew I was going to have to make it thought the night whether I want to or not as I had my movie to film in the morning.

I wonder if I could shoot my film out here since I did purchase a solar panel to recharge the video camera.

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Unfortunately I had one more day of shopping until I could shoot my Ladybug gone green beetle. I was miserable and that made me feel good. What was I going to shop for with all the dreams of making millions in my head. Whenever I get excited with misery I get hungry so I decided to spend the whole day eating at the mall as I had already bought everything I needed on Saturday.

I figured I start with Winn's ice cream bar. The bar had any ice cream flavour you could imagine if you could imagine a flavor that Winn's did not have they would make if for you special. The interior of the bar was vintage with white linoleum floors and boots from the 1950's. The music that came from the jukebox was 1970's disco and there also was a disco ball.

I decided to start with the Cheddar cheese ice cream as I had not eaten breakfast. I smothered the it in ketchup and wow, did it taste good. I did not think cheddar cheese ice cream would taste so good.

Next up was the Butternut squash ice cream. It certainly looked great all orange and stuff. It was served with a side of honey mustard which could be spread over the ice cream before it was eaten. I must say it was good.

Now for some adventure. I have always been a women with a wild side. Once I went a week without eating any ice cream. I decided to try Bell pepper ice cream which was served with a side of tortilla chips in case the ice cream was to hot and I need a quick cool down. The ice cream looked harmless enough with it light green color but, wow did it pack a punch. I was into the chips after the first bite of ice cream. I was determined to not give up so I kept eating until all the ice cream was eaten and with a scorched tongue and a bulging ego I decided to try more ice cream.

Carrot ice cream was my next target and I must say from someone who does not like to eat carrots. It tasted simply amazing with the whipped cream it was served with.

I thought now it the home stretch and I need to go for the desert ice creams. So went for the double fudge brownie ice cream with whipped cream on top. It was simply divine. It was so smooth and velvety as it went down my throat. And now for the last and I thought best ice cream I have ever tasted the Carrot cake ice cream. Wow, wee, what a great tasting ice cream and it was served with vanilla frosting, yummy.

I decided that even though the waitress had been so great and help full that I would not give her a tip. Thus spreading more misery in my wake, yessss.

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There were cheap rooms but, I decided to spare no expense. After a women can not live in misery all the time. So I got the most expensive room in the hotel. It had red carpeting with red satin walls and a big red round bed. Its also had a candy bar. Not a single candy bar, a bar stocked full of candy. Mars bars, skittles, any candy you could imagine. I was in candy heaven. I decided to spend a few hours sampling all the candy and that would not get me near trying all the candy. While eating the candy I decided to work on my ladybug costume. I had purchased lot of tape so I could tape the costume together and as it turns out I need all that tape. I took me to hours of taping and taping to get the costume done but, it was all worth it because the costume looked terrible.

Just was I was looking for a cheaply made ugly costume just right for my horror move. Now since I had some time before bed and lot of energy after eating all that candy I thought why not work on the title and the plot of the film. Instantly I came up with a great title: Lady bug gone green beetle. Yes that was perfect even though the lady bug would not transform into a green beetle it would give the paying customers some idea of what this work of art film was about.

Next I concerned myself with the plot. The lady bug wakes up one day and is sick and tired of being kicked around so decides to turn nasty and start to eat plants instead of protect them from the bad bugs. The after all the plants are dead the Lady Bug concerns himself with the overthrow of the world. Or take over of the world. He decides he needs help and recruits a extended family of green beetles and the take over of the world begins.

The lady bug and his gang take over a local theme park and move on from there to there successful conquering of the world. It takes them only weeks to conquer the world and let green beetles run wild destroying crops and livelihoods where ever they went. With his take over plan of the world complete the ladybug installs himself as dictator and rules the world for the next 1,000 years thanks to a new technology that allows ladybugs and green beetles to live practically forever. After his retirement he creates a foundation to promote space travel and the colonization of distant planets with ladybugs and green beetles. This was a hit alright so I knew I had to get this film on a hard drive as fast as I could so I went to bed early with dreams of how much misery I could buy myself with all the money I was going to make on this film when it went straight to dvd as this film was to good for a movie theatre and I wanted it to reach as wide an audience as possible.

Queen Of Miserable, Page 18

The car kept coming closer and closer and so I decided to jump out of the way rather than get hit and so Tank for all he was worth. After all Tanks money was my money also. So what could would suing him do me. Maybe suing him for the divorce will make me happy but, my life is not about being happy. Its about being miserable with a man who is now at this moment trying to run me over.

So as the car was about to run me over I jumped out of the was an was narrowly missed. Hank screamed "I will get you once and for all." That is what I loved about this man he never gave up on anything. He was so tenacious. "Hank I adore you I screamed. "No other man would try to run me over I thought so I truly am the luckiest women in the world. The car skidded around and turned again to come after me. Oh, how I adored Tank at the moment. "I adore you Tank." I said. He just ignored me and kept driving toward me much to my delight. I wonder was he going to help me to the car or not. But, I was busy dodging his car.

The car suddenly stopped as Tank had to admit defeat and help me out to my car which was just minutes away. He acted like nothing had happened. Like he had not ever tried to run me over with his car. He said nothing as we walked to me car. I know one thing I felt safer in his presence than anywhere in the world. After all the bags were in my car I got and invited him to my favorite eatery the Pizza Place on the side of the freeway. He said nothing and got in he car and sped off.

Who needs him anyway I thought. I sat down in the Pizza Place and ordered my least favorite pizza: Pepperoni with Onions and pineapple. Yuck. But, I am not called Yvette Swans The queen of happy. No, I am called Yvette swans the queen of miserable and so I have to squash and sign of happiness that comes into my life with misery and trust me eating this pizza was going to make me miserable.

While I waited for my order there was a basketball game on television and since sports made me miserable I decided to watch the game before my order came. And them my order came and now it was time for the drudgery of eating this bad tasting pizza. Every bite got more and more horrible until I was on the last piece and I felt a small tingling of joy. That was quickly squashed as I but into that last piece. Did I tell you how miserable this pizza was pizza was making me. I believe I did. Now it was time for me to pay the over priced bill and head back to the mall and my hotel room in side the mall.

And serious shopper like me who spent a weekend at the mall had to rent a hotel room as to avoid the long trip back home.

Queen Of Miserable, Page 17

For the costumes I went to Larry wacky world of costumes. For the first movie I wanted to be a human sized ladybug who takes over the world. But, Larry did not have any ladybug costumes left in stock so I had to improvise. I got bought some red an black fabric that I would tape to together with packing tape since I did not know how to sow. That what I like about myself I am able to take what I have an make it better.

For another horror movie I want to make I want to be a piece of paper who takes over the kitchen. Larry looked at me funny at the idea that I need a piece of paper. That's the difference between you and me Larry I said. You believe that there are limit to what you can accomplish in this world. And I believe that with a little imagination, scotch tape, and at little twisting of the truth one can accomplish any thing. So I yelled get me some red fabric and a staple gun and I will go home and make myself a piece of paper costume. He looked at me weird, whatever Larry I said.

So that was it for the costume's since I did not want to get a head of myself. I thought I had easily about an hours worth of work to shoot both films and only had about 30 minutes free to shoot both films in the next week. So next I was still at Larry to pick up a piece of furniture and some draperies for the shoddy sets tha I wanted to make for each film. The set would have to be made quickly as I did not want to waste time on what the film looked like I wanted to concentrate on what matters most in a movie the story. So I picked up a small end table and some purple fabric and bid farewell to Larry.

And as it was now well past 5:00pm I head to the car with my little red wagon that contained all my purchases. It was dark and scary heading out in the parking lot a I must say being a woman I was scared for my safety but, I was not about to admit that to anyone and assistance out to the car. No I was not going to admit fear no way even it made me miserable and it did I want not going to show anyone my vulnerable side. Now way, not Yvette Swans. So I called Tank instead and asked if he could make the 2 hour drive from our home and drive down to the mall to help me with the five minute walk to the car. I must day he sounded upset but, he cheerfully agreed to drive and so I waited and waited. But, finally I say tank and I was relived and them when tank saw me he punched on the accelerator and was heading right toward me. What are you doing Tank I screamed

Queen of miserable novel, Page 16

I decided after watching movies that I want to make movies and that would hav to be cheap low budget moves as those were the ones that made me most miserable. So my next stop was to go buy a video camera and a microphone.

I stumbled into Winston's video supply company. The clerk looked at me funny when I said I wanted only a video camera and microphone to make moves. I said don't look at me funny I am paying money for the equipment so what do you care if I don't have enough equipment. He laughed at what I said and I said stop laughing because I am not above hitting a man. He started laughing more so I wound my hand back and let loose a monstrous punch. That hurt. I broke a nail. Which as an women will tell you will make you miserable. He said why did you punch me and I said because I wanted to see what it felt like. And you know what he laughed so I punched him again.

After the last punch he said you can have the video camera and the microphone for free if you stop punching me and leave right away. And then after my harrowing experience in the video supply store I had to go watch another to get relaxed. I also need to do research for my movie making venture.

With that in mind I went to the worst low budget movie I could find it was called a car goes fast. The movie had lots of scenes of a car going fast including a scene legendary for it ineptness. It was so dull I almost fell asleep during that movie. I mean watching a car drive fast on a strait road over and over how could this movie ever have made a cent. I suppose lots of people want to watch a bad move or maybe like me they are looking for a little relaxation and also to do research for their own bad movies.

So with my research completed I now knew I was an expert in the making of bad films. Yes, I know after one movie how can I be an expert well because I said I am an expert just like I say I am an expert in miserable even thought I have no credentials. And anyway how much do you need to know to make bad movies. I say I don't have to know much. Knowing how to hook up a microphone and take the lens cap off the video camera ought to be enough to make a bad movie. So I was so excited to make a bad move and also make myself into a movie star and famous movie director. I am to cheap to pay actors so I will play all the parts. And I don't care about makeup because after all these will be bad moves so what do I care what I look like I just want to be a star. Next to the costume shop for costume's

Queen of Miserable novel, Page 15

After my little argument with Tank I was to exhausted to shop so I went to the food court to get something to eat. When I get even more upset than I usually am I get ravenously hungry.

So I picked the eatery with an all you can eat buffet. Johansen's all you can eat buffet was an aptly named place to eat. There was only one menu item and that was and all you can eat buffet. For 15 dollars the customers could eat all they wanted. There was a big island in the center of the restaurant where employees would bring out warm food every few minutest to restock the food island.

I of course ordered the all you can eat buffet which included all you can drink also. I had spaghetti with meatball and garlic bread. Next I had a plate of angle food cake. Then I went back for more garlic bread and spaghetti. And for another dessert I tried brownies and vanilla ice cream. Suitably fed I decided that what I wanted to do next was go to a movie.

Watching scary monster moves makes me miserable so I decided to go watch Scary Monster from the deep. Which interesting enough was about scary monsters from the deep. A man goes out fishing and sees a huge monster with 8 limbs and a tiny head with big jaws. After jamming on the accelerator of his boat he tells the other fishermen what he saw and they just laugh at him and dismiss what he was saying as someone what has to vivid and imagination.

Bud during the night the monster came back with several of his friends and ravaged the fisherman. There fisherman's cries for help were head but the were heard to late to do them any good. A group of islanders game down with harpoons and guns to help the fisher but, found them dead. To make a long story short the islander vow revenge and after several fierce battles the monsters come out on top and life on the island peacefully for the next 20 years until the are confronted by different monsters and forced to live in the sea again.

What a great move. I walked out of the theatre as scared as could be. I decided that I better keep on shopping. I know I could not have made it out to my car. I would have fear that a monster might attack me. So a shopping I go. I could not help but, admire all the wonderful plants in the mall. I noticed a gardener and decided to talk to her.

Excuse me can I ask you a few questions please. "Sure what can I do for you Mr. Swans. "Oh you know who I am." "Why yes of course I have read several of your books. "Ok, how long have you been working here.? I said. "5 years." She said. "Do you like your job." I said. "No" She said. "Why don't you like you job I asked. "Oh, I don't like plants". "Then why don't you find another job that you like." I said. " "I believe in you philosophy that you should take a job for the money and the miserableness will follow." "Very good" I said. "Well thank you for your time." I said. "Can I have your autograph". She said. "Which one, you can have my down home country autograph or my movie star autograph. "I'll take the movie star autograph please." she said. "What do you want me to sign." "Here could you sign your book, I have it right her." "okay. her you go and I signed my name." She was over joyed and was all smiles. She waved good bye as I dragged my purchases in my little red wagon. Wow, I am miserable talking to fans. I need to talk to them more often. Now where was I going to shop.

Queen of Miserable novel, Page 14

Next up the shoe store. Sure I could wear sneakers and feel comfortable walking around. Since I enjoy being miserable I prefer high heels. The higher the heels the better I say. 6 inch heels are my favorite as the cause my feet to feel the most discomfort. Thus causing pain and that makes me miserable.

I figured that I needed 7 new pairs of heels. I was replacing my daily shoe wardrobe. Since my favorite color was read and I liked 6 inch heels I would be buying 3 pairs of that type of shoe and 3 pairs of green 3 inch heeled shoes and one pair of sneakers. Hey, a girl can't be miserable can't be miserable all the time.

Oh, yes I also liked to buy my shoes one size to small as the upped the discomfort. I liked to make the clerks who worked in the shoe stores miserable. Or are they called sales associates now. I don't know.

Here is how I made the shoe store clerks miserable. I would first asked them to measure my feet then I would as to try on 20 to thirty different pairs of shoes all the while knowing what pair I wanted usually the first pair I tried on. I am so devious sometimes. It makes me proud to be me. Spread the unlimited source of miserable everywhere I go. How great am I.

After my usual routine I paid for my shoes and what do I see as I walk out the door of the shoe store. My husband Tank. Tank said he had been following me because he has been suspecting that I am having an affair with another man. I was shocked that he would think such a thing. After a brief argument I said if you had suspected me of cheating 2 years ago your would have been write but, I ended that affair over a year and a half ago. So come on Tank I said leave me alone. Unfortunately my revelation that I had and affair as recently as a year and a half ago made him more angry. Why I can't tell you.

Another brief argument ensued where he called me names I don't dare write but, I will. He actually said and I quote "You are the most amazing woman I have ever met. I honestly could not believe my ears. "How dare you say such nice things about me Tank. Shut your mouth." I said. This was not going to end well and since I had my little red wagon in to I could not run away. So we argued some more and he hurled more insults at me. "I can't live without you he said. I said "How dare you say those words to me Tank Swans. How dare you." I was furious at this point. So I said I am leaving this conversation taking my little red wagon and scurrying away. And that ladies and gentlemen I why I married that man. He makes me so miserable I could cry. But, I could not cry at this point as I had my good dress on and if I cried I might get tears on it then the dress would be ruined. So I kept a stiff upper lip until I could get to my car and let my tears flow away from the prying eyes of my adoring public.